February is the Month of Unbridled Optimism, because there’s nothing to talk about but best-case scenarios. In that tradition, it’s time for a player whose name I dare not speak–Mark Mulder. (That was typing.) Swamp Gas’s recent feature in the Post-Dispatch is the latest salvo on that front.

Remember that video that made the rounds a while back, dissected by Baseball Primer pitching expert Carlos Gomez? The one where Mulder’s mechanics completely disintegrate over two years. From the article:

Mulder, 29, began a series of alterations to his delivery that prevented him from achieving consistency. By the time he landed on the disabled list for the first time last May, Mulder described himself as “slinging” the ball with an abbreviated arm action completely different from his form at the beginning of his final season in Oakland.

Surprise! He actually realizes it. This is the best news that could possibly come from the Mulder deal at this point; it means that they’ve detected the flaw, and they’re working on fixing it. If Mulder comes back this July throwing 90 with any consistency at all, I will kiss Carlos Gomez on the mouth. Say, you’re asking yourself, why didn’t he pick up on this earlier?

“I wasn’t throwing correctly, but I never would have imagined needing surgery,” said Mulder.

What? He really couldn’t put delivery changes, a “weak arm”, and pain together and think “I’m hurt”? It’s funny how these things work out sometimes, but luckily enough I discovered an old-time radio program, dated 1942, that is eerily prescient at this time. I’ve managed to license the transcript from the Mutual Broadcasting people, so here goes:

THE THRILLING ADVENTURES OF MARK MULDER
THE MOST OBLIVIOUS MAN… IN THE UNIVERSE!

ANNOUNCER
Kiddies–it’s time once again for the adventures of the world’s least-inquisitive detective, the Duke of Deductive Reasoning, Mark Mulder! Presented by the Lucky Strike Corporation!

[Children applaud, smoke.]

ANNOUNCER
Today’s adventure begins, as always, in the locker room of the local baseball nine! The Manager, Buck Burnside, has called Mark in for a secret conference!

MARK
What is it, boss?

BUCK
I’ve got a case for you, but I need to know you’ll be able to keep it under your hat. Y’see, my daughter’s got a new beau, and… I’m just not sure he’s on the up-and-up.

MARK
Gee, boss… what makes you think that?

BUCK
That’s where you come in. It’s a dangerous mission, but I’d like you to tail him and see what you can find out. Something about him just doesn’t make sense.

MARK
I… I’ll see what I can do.

BUCK
And Mulder?

MARK
Yeah?

BUCK
Have a Lucky Strike. L.S.M.F.T!

MARK
Fine tobacco, indeed!

ANNOUNCER
It’s fine tobacco because it’s toasted, instead of sun-dried! Meanwhile, Mark found himself hot on the trail of Betty Burnside’s beau, “Machine Gun” Madison!

MARK
Hmm–that’s a strange group of friends he’s meeting. And in front of the bank, too! I’ll just sneak behind this wall and listen in…

[Sneaking noises.]

MADISON
That’s right, boys. We’ll set Betty up at the front, with a toy pistol or somethin’, and while the police fuss with her “Hacksaw”, “Clawhammer”, “Polio” and I’ll burrow up from the floor and blow through the safe. Say, where is “Polio”, anyway?

MARK
If only he’d say why he’s here! And with that dynamite!

“POLIO”
This is Bob “Polio” Hope, saying “Sorry I’m late, boys, but I just got back from giving the Japs an iron lung-full!”

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!

[Applause.]

MADISON
Quick, positions, everybody–that dupe Betty’s coming over here.

MARK
Something tells me these guys are up to no good!

BETTY
Aww, hi, Machine Gun! It’s so romantic of you to suggest the bank for our date tonight!

MADISON
Anything for you, doll. Now, I have to go see a man about a horse. Just hold this for me for a minute–it’s a gift for, ah, my nephew.

MARK
Well, gee, it looks like they’re really in love! Buck will sure be glad to hear it!

MADISON
[In a loud whisper.] “Ginsu Knife”, are you ready with the TNT?

[Walking noises.]

ANNOUNCER
But before “Machine Gun” Madison was able to get away, Our Hero made a startling realization!

MARK
I just know things don’t add up. There’s the drills, and the dynamite, and the Sicilians, and the bags with dollar signs on them… and… that’s it! Stop it right there, Madison! You’re smoking Marlboros, like a woman!

ANNOUNCER
Madison was stopped dead in his tracks–he turned around to face Mulder’s steely gaze, and the big “wind-up” of justice!

MARK
Here goes, miscreants!

ANNOUNCER
Before the exciting conclusion, a word from our sponsor, Lucky Strike Tobacco!

[Four minute L.S.M.F.T. jingle.]

ANNOUNCER
When we last left our hero, he had delivered the “fast ball” of justice straight at “Machine Gun” Madison!

“BOX-CUTTER”
Boss, that baseball’s almost reached us!

MADISON
It’ll hit us, too–unless we run for it! The bank isn’t worth it, boys, Let’s go!

[Tapping noise.]

MADISON
Boys, I’m hit! About chest-high, and it stings a little!

MARK
That oughtta inconvenience you until the police come!

BETTY
Aww, Mark! I feel like such a heel! I really thought Machine Gun was a square guy, but I was wrong! … I just wish he could be as neat as you.

[Kissing noise.]

MARK
Well, I’ll see you, Betty.

ANNOUNCER
And so ends another adventure of Mark Mulder… the most oblivious man in the universe!

MARK
If only that Betty were interested in me.