There it is. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead and gone, hopefully, except as the “And then, it all came crashing down” portion of the 2006 Cardinals’ Behind the Music, right before they all kick drugs and mount a triumphant comeback at state fairs across the country.

So, uh, what was it?

Well, it was bookended by catchers pressed into service at first with terrible results. Other than that, your guess is as good as mine. A rundown follows; feel free to throw rotten fruit at your display as the names scroll by, although I’m not responsible for angry cohabitants when your computer smells like tomatoes for the rest of the year.

First, there was the pitching. I needn’t go in depth here: put ‘em to death! Anthony Reyes, Adam Wainwright, and Braden Looper were the only pitchers to manage ERAs under 5.40 over the period. Mulder’s? 34.71. Cardinals pitchers who managed more than one inning over the period threw up an ERA of 9.04. They had solid peripherals: 6.65 strikeouts per 9, and a 2.66 BB/9. Except… they also allowed 2.4 home runs per game. And that .4 is a killer.

The hitters, on the other hand, weren’t uniformly terrible. Just mostly terrible. In order of at-bats spent in deep depression:

David Eckstein

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
8   33   2  11    0    0     1   2   .333 .371 .394 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t much matter how good your leadoff hitter does when nobody’s there at the right time to drive him in. Eck’s average was a little emptier than he normally has it–it seems recently that he’s become preoccupied with executing his jumping-half-swing maneuver as often as possible, which has resulted in more squib hits but less of his surprise pop.

Regardless, he reached base thirteen times in eight games, and he scored twice, both in the same game. The last three days of the streak he reached seven times and never scored. Last season, his ratio of runs scored to times reaches base (both times excepting the homer) was 33%. This season, aside from the losing streak, it’s 37%.
Notably,: He bailed Hector Luna out on the 27th by driving him in after he’d failed to score on a groundout.
Verdict: Not guilty; he pulled his numbers up during the losing streak, but nobody was there to drive him in.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
8   31   9    0    0    1     2   6  .290 .312 .387  

Well, I guess it’s not So’s fault he shouldn’t be playing every day. The emptiest batting average one could possibly have, but at least they drove him in when he was up there; he scored six times out of ten.
Notably,: He homered in the top of the first on the 21st, right before the White Sox tore Jason Marquis apart, giving the Cardinals fans at US Cellular a momentary respite.
Verdict: Guilty of being So Taguchi, a fourth outfielder with a lovable tendency to mangle the English language while discussing sushi with Jeff Suppan.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
8   29  10    2    0    0     3   2  .345 .344 .414  

Hard to fault a guy for hitting .345, but with Pujols out and/or un-Pujolsian for seven of the eight games they needed a little bit more power out of him.
Notably,: Flew out with runners on first and second during the Cardinals’ last major chance at runs in the Ponson game.
Verdict: An uncharacteristically batting average-driven stretch for Rolen, who’s only guilty when you look at his numbers from the rest of the season.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
8   29   8    2    0    0     3   1  .276 .300 .345  

Hey, don’t get snippy–that’s pretty good for the post-April Miles, who’s hit .265/.314/.320 since pitchers realized they could just groove it down the middle. He probably shouldn’t be playing eight games in a row at this point, except the best second baseman on the team is currently also the best left fielder against southpaws.
Notably,: Drove in the last relevant run of the second loss, bringing the Cardinals within one. Then Marquis allowed five runs.
Verdict: Guilty, accessory to creating a big hole in the lineup.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
7   26   8    1    0    0     4   2  .308 .310 .346

Behold: the RBI leader! Over eight games! This might be the only eight game stretch all season in which Encarnacion (.002) had a higher BA/OBP differential than Scott Rolen (-.001.) Savor it.
Notably,: Singled in So Taguchi in the first inning in a nondescript interleague game on June 20th, 2006. Up until the third inning, it was the differencemaker in a tightly-contested 1-0 nailbiter.
Verdict: Juan Encarnacion led the team in RBIs. Rumors of his unclutchitude must therefore fall to the wayside, as he was Sir Clutch by default. Considering he had an OPS of .656, you’re allowed to be sad about that.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
6   24   8    1    0    1     2   3  .333 .407 .500

Yes, when you take out that 4-4 performance he hit .200, but come on–it’s good to see him back, isn’t it? And he was certainly a plus on defense, after the, ah, display that Chris Duncan put on in Chicago.
Notably,: He’s Albert Pujols.
Verdict: Diplomatic immunity, seeing as he’s Krypton’s ambassador to earth.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
8   24   4    2    0    0     3   0  .167 .200 .250

Yadier Molina? Sucking at offense? I’m truly stumped by this development. In Yadi’s defense, he did all of his damage on one day: on the 23rd, he went 3-4 and doubled twice, driving in three runs. Seeing as Chris Carpenter was pitching that day, it probably should’ve been enough.
Notably,: Provided the most depressing moment of the 20-6 loss to the White Sox when he attempted to play first base. He managed to make it so that Victor Martinez, in coughing up the winning run yesterday, didn’t even play the worst catcher-at-first-base defense this month.
Verdict: He’s, er, Yadier Molina. I guess this was a little worse than is normally expected of the guy, but by driving in three runs on Chris Carpenter’s start he should’ve given them a chance to win it. Not guilty by reason of hitting defect.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
6   19   8    2    0    0     1   4  .421 .476 .526 

It makes total sense to start this guy for only five games, right?
Notably,: He reached base every game he played.
Verdict: Must be guilty of kicking Tony La Russa’s dog, or something.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
6   18   4    0    0    0     2   2  .222 .300 .222

Even Tattoo wasn’t immune to struggling. Like Molina, he bunched his hits together: he went 2-5 with two RBIs in the June 20th massacre, and he scored two runs early in the Suppan game, before they lost the lead.
Notably,: I don’t really remember anything he did. But that’s a funny beard he’s got, right? Right?
Verdict: Played well in one game, and since I don’t remember it I guess I can’t fault him for his other failings. Not guilty, due to the police losing a fair amount of evidence.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
5   15   2    1    0    0     1   1  .133 .133 .200

Well. Remember when he hit for power? He struck out eight times in fifteen at-bats, and in general just looked awkward out there. It’s good to control your swing, on occasion, but he just doesn’t seem to be swinging for the fences ever.
Notably,: Kept Scott Spiezio company in the Golden Sombrero club on the 23rd. So THAT’s what I remember Spiez doing.
Verdict: He gave up Spiezio for a plea deal, but you’re in trouble when you’re a corner outfielder whose slugging percentage has fallen all the way to .400. Could be off to the witness protection program soon.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
5   12   4    0    0    1     1   2  .333 .333 .583 

Timo! bought himself another few weeks on the roster, which may be the worst thing to come out of this losing streak.
Notably,: He’s not very good at baseball.
Verdict: One count of possession of a roster spot with intent to suck.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
4   12   3    1    0    1     1   2  .250 .308 .583

Kind of a microcosm of J. Ballgame’s season: he went 3-5 with a double and a home run in the Cardinals’ first two games during the streak… and then got hurt. After which he o-fered.
Notably,: He finally started hitting the ball in the air a little.
Verdict: Well, he was certainly the one Cardinal guaranteed to be playing 100%. Unfortunately, it got him injured and he missed half the proceedings.

G   AB   H   2B   3B   HR   RBI   R    BA  OBP  SLG
2    6   1    0    0    1     2   1  .167 .286 .667

Duncan is one of the worst natural first basemen I have ever seen. And in a game like the one Mulder pitched, where everything was going in play, that was bad news. He had to dive for anything not hit right at him, and he missed at least three crucial grounders in game one alone. On the plus side, he provided the one bright spot in the June 20 melee: with the game decided (and then some), he momentarily shut up thousands of screaming White Sox fans by crushing a home run to right center field.
Notably,: Well, there was this thing between Papa Duncan and Ozzie Guillen. If I were Ozzie, I wouldn’t pick a fight with the Duncan family, which averages about eight feet tall and six hundred pounds.
Verdict: The one time I got to cheer at Game one, so he gets a pardon despite his execrable defense.

No timely hitting, lots of hits on balls in play for the opposition, and a ton of singles with nobody to drive them home–a lot of terrible luck, but terrible play as well. As a sentence, I hereby declare that we will never mention this eight game stretch again.

Weird how they’re only playing 154 this year, right? It’s interesting, this throwback season.

Two errors in the ninth inning? I can only believe that, following Gooch’s horrific play in left field, he rubbed his glove all over the doorknob in the Indians’ clubhouse.

On VEB, commenter kindred realized that it was far more sinister than that:

[TLR’s managing] won this game. by forcing the Tribe to use up Hafner, Broussard, and Perez in the 8th, he ended up with a catcher at 1st and the backup catcher at home.

and they handed us the game.

That, friends, is why you should never question La Fearless Leader: because he thinks five, maybe six steps in advance. Every time. Not only did he pull that off, he also distracted potential trading partners from noticing that mid-level chit Chris Lambert got Muldered in his start tonight.

The funny part about the relief we’re all undoubtedly feeling at this point is that the Cardinals played little better than they did throughout the streak, but now everything’s okay again. Izzy blew a save, the defense looked at turns listless and downright awful, there was a genuine bullpen meltdown featuring every maligned reliever but WonderBrad, and they lost a run on a terrible baserunning gaffe from Jim Edmonds. Just as was true during the streak, there’s no reason to be more or less worried about the team than you were when the season began now that they’ve won again.

But on a visceral level, I’ll certainly take it. And there were some things to get excited over. For one thing, somebody not named Pujols hit a home run. People Not Named Pujols, collectively, were slugging .398 prior to tonight’s action. Jim Edmonds, while only going 1-4, made some hard contact for a change; much has been made of the fact that about half as many of his flyballs are going for home runs as usual, but his groundball and line drive percentages have also been moving in the wrong directions.

But all in all, this was not a game the Cardinals won so much as a game that they gave away and then were, in a terrible social faux pas on the part of the Indians, regifted. A total fluke to end a total fluke–sounds about right.

as opposed to getting their heads kicked in, it might be a good time for Tony to break out one of his annual Surly Us-Against-the-World routines.

So. I’ve probably been about as unworried about this losing streak as anybody, but I need to clarify.

I’m worried about the team winning sometime in the near future. I mean, goodness–talk about finding ways to lose. They got quality starts from the Flat and the Fat, but couldn’t score runs; they scored plenty of runs but the other team reamed the starting pitcher, or the bullpen and it didn’t matter any more. They’ve missed balls on defense that most high schoolers field after a week of watching Tom Emanski drills on VHS; they’ve struck out and not put the ball in play, put the ball in play with runners on to get doubled up. At some point the law of averages would dictate that the hitting and the pitching would fall on the same day, and the Cardinals would grab one to pull out of this streak and begin to leave it all behind them. I’m interested in that happening as soon as possible.

On the other hand, I’m not particularly worried about the team yet in terms of the rest of the season. Now, I’ll get back to you on this one if they continue to lose, fall into third place, and then watch in horror as Mark Mulder comes back throwing 75 mph with his right hand, his south paw held close to his body, gripping Bob Dole’s pencil. This team is not the cream of the crop in the National League–hello, pond scum!–but the cream, in this case, is about as thick as skim milk, so even in several mediocre-case scenarios they could sneak into the playoffs and make things interesting. This isn’t 2004-2005; this is 2000-2002 best case, 2003 if the Cardinals decide prime mid-season acquisitions include Mike DeJean and Sterling Hitchcock. (If it’s any consolation, I don’t think either Pedro Borbon is allowed in St. Louis, anymore.)

No idea what to make of the second half of Marquis’s horror double-feature. I missed one of the home runs, but on the whole he looked pretty good–movement on the fastball, occasionally useful curveball. He struck out five and he walked nobody. But when you make three terrible pitches, and the other team connects on all three of them… well, there’s nothing you can do about that. Is it a fluke? Probably. Is Marquis going to continue to fascinate us–the horrible kind of fascinate, like a car wreck or Paris Hilton going reggaeton–with his phantom upside? Undoubtedly.

On a happier note, Colby “Please don’t trade him” Rasmus went 2-4 with a triple and a homer yesterday, finally sending his slugging percentage over .500, a milestone with which he has been flirting for a few weeks now. Watching him in the Midwest League All-Star Game–you can still watch it here, though because of the high production values inherent in the Midwest League’s video productions you’re going to want to scroll ahead about 38 minutes past the test pattern–his swing seems to be all upper body. That’s odd, given the hypothetical state of his upper body at this point; he’s listed at 175 pounds, but he seemed even skinnier than that. Regardless of how he does it, he does it, as two of the balls he hits in the all-star game nearly leave the park. Did I mention his nickname is “Please don’t trade him”, Walt? Funny story, how he got that one–it was because some team would have been really stupid for trading him, especially because he would probably be part of a package for a middling bat or arm that wouldn’t make a huge difference. I don’t remember which team that was, but the nickname just sort of stuck!

Today Blake Hawksworth is due to make his first high minors start, with AA Springfield. The thing to watch during his stint–besides whether or not his arm stays attached–is to see if the recent boost in his strikeout rate, well down from his pre-injury levels, is for real. Because in the Texas League, he’s a little less likely to go a half a season without allowing a home run.

Speaking of the minor leagues, watch this space–I’m working on a midseason replacement for Coming Attractions. Hopefully I’ll update this one before it, too, ends up in turnaround.

Owner of the first curveball that ever impressed me. If you didn’t read this piece from a CardNilly commenter when it was first posted, there’s no better time than now.

At the game, I came up with the answer to Marquis’s issues. If you missed it–he was tipping his pitches. You see, every time he was about to use his fastball, he would go to the pitcher’s mound and begin to throw a baseball to a batter.

So basically, he gets reamed when he throws all fastballs, and when he throws curveballs. He’s frighteningly hittable at all times, except when nobody can hit him. Mulder’s a pretty easy fortune cookie to crack–he who throws 85 / will get his head kicked in–but Marquis is the zen koan of the Cardinals rotation, and being a catholic I’m pretty frustrated with it.

Nevertheless, Marquis’s meltdown was partially based on some mediocre defense–Chris Duncan missed three playable balls, by my count, and Miles missed two–and some balls that just squeaked through, so he’s basically the same as he ever was. And most of the burden of this ugly loss, really, is on him. So the Cardinals are in the same place they’ve been for about a month–first place, with a #2 starter whose fastball is gone and a #3 starter whose idea of consistency is jumping around and being easily excitable in every start and a star first baseman on the mend. But for some reason, people are talking fire sale.

Look. It’s two interleague games. The Cardinals got destroyed in one and pounded in the other, but on the whole they’re in no different a place than they were prior to arriving in Chicago. Before we talk about trading clubhouses with Arizona’s AAA affilliate, how about the Cardinals fall out of first place? They’re frustrating losses, no doubt, but in the grand scheme of things, they’re just two Ls in the standings. And it may suck to get laughed out of Comiskey, but La Russa’s guided clubs through terrible slumps, collapsing prospects, and the death of a teammate–I think he’ll be able to rally the troops after a bad series.

[Note: this one was posted after the other two entries today, but I timed it so as to appear last on the web site… because nobody cares.]

The Cardinals farm system has, by and large, been pretty devoid of no-doubt-about-it talent over the years. There were Bud Smith (ouch), Rick Ankiel (!!), J.D. Drew… but aside from those occasional glimpses of awe-inspiring talent, things have been pretty grim. Beyond the top five prospects in the system, though, lie a group of players who would be great prospects, were it not for a slight dent or a malformed sleeve somewhere in their half-formed metaphoric retail equivalent. Three of them put up big numbers in yesterday’s action–these are their stories.

First on the list is Blake Hawksworth, who had ace potential prior to losing a bet with God or something and spending most of 2004 and 2005 injured and busily assuring people that his name was seriously Blake Hawksworth. Still only 23, coming into 2006 he barely got any mention at all–he was perpetually “someone to watch”, if he was someone at all. His trip through Palm Beach in 2006, in which he’s maintained an ERA around 2.50 most of the year, put him back on the list.

But.

He wasn’t striking anybody out. The 2.47 ERA was nice, as were the 2.37 K:BB ratio and the 0 home runs he had allowed. But his K/9 was only 5.28, far from impressive from a guy who used to blow his 95 mph fastball past a batter an inning. On Wednesday, Hawk threw seven shutout innings, striking out ten batters, walking nobody, and keeping that home run-less line intact. All of a sudden his K:BB ratio is 2.89, and his strikeout rate shoots up to a still-unimpressive but not so terrible 5.91. And his HR/9? Still pretty decent.

Meanwhile, Amaury Marti–the official Superhuman Mysterious Figure and Bill Brasky proxy of Get Up, Baby!, and the strongest player Jeff Luhnow has ever seen–provided the offense, going 3-5 with a double, three runs scored, and three RBIs. (Both times he was retired, I hear, he struck out in abstentia–he had to deal with cold nacho cheese and periodic ninja raids in the stadium, and by God if the dastardly Bristol manager demands his pitcher strike him out anyway then so be it; the lives of his many fans, including terminally ill Billy McMurtry, age eight, mean too much to be threatened by errant ninja stars.) Unfortunately for Marti, the rays of Earth’s yellow sun aged him four years overnight soon after he was drafted; he’s now 31. Move quickly, caped crusader!

2006 will probably be known as College Draft II, so far as the current regime’s record goes, and given the relatively meager returns from College Draft I in 2004 it would make sense to be a bit bearish about how things will play out in the early going. And while rookie-level Johnson City got roughed up 11-7 in its 2006 debut, one bright spot did exist: shortstop Tommy Pham, a–wait for it–high school pick. He was selected in the 16th round of the draft, partially due to signability concerns, having committed to Cal-State Fullerton, but the Cardinals reeled him in quickly and he stands as one of the few players they picked more for projectability and upside than immediate returns. (He’s supposed to be a four-ish tool player, possessing outstanding speed, solid defense and a history of hitting for contact, but his power’s not all there yet.) Leading off for Johnson City, he went 4-5 with a triple and a stolen base. It’s only one game, so to imply that he’s a prospect yet would be completely irresponsible on my part, but because this paragraph exists solely to provide a platform for my hate-fueled vitriol regarding the Cardinals’ choice of draft strategies this year I suppose I already have. (To my future employers in the journalism industry: please do not read the preceding sentence. Thank you.)

I was… at the game. (You may have seen me on TV, I was the guy on the third base line in the powder blue Jim Edmonds jersey/hat combo; we were in the side-view-of-the-hitter shot, according to–it would appear–every single person in my younger brother’s cell phone address book.) It was painful. I only have a few things to say:

1. Relax. It’s a long season; teams have been beaten that badly before. Even if you’re a full-on believer in “momentum”, the Cardinals have built up a fine lead to squander.

2. Man Young Dunc can hit it a long way. I love to watch replays of the guy hitting, but as it’s happening it’s not so fun. Have you ever heard the air get taken out of a crowd whose home team is winning by 18 runs? It’s pretty weird.

3. At the very least–and it really is the very least–this game has to force a decision about Mulder. He’s very obviously hurt; guys under 30 do not suddenly lose seven miles an hour on their fastball, unless they’ve suffered severe shoulder problems like Matty Mo. At this point Mulder’s got the same repertoire as the ace of my high school baseball team last year: low-80s fastball, eephus curve. And we were a private high school. That is not the kind of pitcher Mark Mulder really is, and there has to be some underlying physical cause. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to distract myself from that beating I just witnessed. I had to cheer Timo Perez. Don’t ever make me do that again, Cardinals.

In other news–really, there was other news–the Cards’ short season club, the New York-Penn League State College Spikes, began play on the 20th, losing 5-3. Some familiar faces are on the roster–one-time prospect Rhett Parrott is rehabbing there, and 18-year-old shortstop Donovan Solano, well-regarded for his defense, his plate discipline, and his ability to be really young–but it’s mainly composed of the more advanced draft picks from this year. Brad Furnish, a second round pick, made the opening day start, going 4 innings, allowing 3 runs and striking out 4. Mark Hamilton, a slugging second rounder from Tulane, went 1-4 with a home run.

Congratulations, finally, to low-A 3B Randy Roth, who won the Midwest League Home Run Derby in sudden death tiebreakers in front of the home crowd. Not only is the guy old for his league and obviously way too good for it, high-A Palm Beach is in desparate need of some hitting; it would seem to make sense to call him up, but he’s still stuck languishing in the Quad Cities.

In the all-star game itself, Roth and Colby Rasmus provided the only offense for the Western all-stars, who lost 7-1; Rasmus went 2-4 with a double, and Roth drove him in for the team’s only run, going 1-2 with a double. Jaime Garcia picked up the loss, getting knocked around for five runs in one inning despite striking out the side. Among prospects, hard-hitting catcher Bryan Anderson also made the all-star team, going 0-2 as the starter. They’re not prospects, but since it’s probably the last time I’ll mention their names I’ll make it count: Quad Cities ace relievers Jonathan Mikrut and Danny Borne also made the squad.

And, finally, if you think the Cardinals did badly–Staten Island beat Brooklyn 18-0. Ah, the New York-Penn League.

Well, this isn’t quite how I imagined things going; I thought there would be a trade, or an injury, or a guy who was obviously done, even. But not a guy who didn’t run in pre-game.

Not, honestly, that it bothers me all that much. He couldn’t go deep into ballgames, and his peripherals didn’t really make me want him to go that deep into ballgames. Nevertheless, Sid was–and is, though apparently he’s not long for the ballclub–a great story, and it seemed like he was ready to put in the work required to get back to the faux ace status he lucked into with the Orioles in 2003.

… Now that he’s the odd man out, of course, it comes to us from the omnipresent Bernie Miklasz that no such thing has happened, and he’s been getting wider and slower as the year stretches on. I don’t doubt that this is true, but it just goes to show that we only hear about this stuff when a player is doing badly or on his way out. Up until that point, it doesn’t matter that so-and-so doesn’t run windsprints before games, or sign autographs, or climb the facade of the Arch to rescue children who have second thoughts halfway up. If Heavy P–I’ll miss that nickname–were able to go a little deeper into games, we would have spent the entire year being none the wiser that he was gaining weight–unless we were his dry cleaner. But it still would’ve happened. Just something to think about.

But that wasn’t all that happened, of course. Nice game, aside from the weather; the Upbabys traveled to St. Louis for the occasion, even though dadup is the most baseball-averse member of the family. Chris Carpenter–well, he’s really good. Juan Encarnacion got a big round of applause whenever he did something; as the home crowd giveth, so do they taketh away, in this case the death threats. Did I think, in those naive March days, that I would eventually feel compelled to come to the defense of a player who, at his absolute peak, would hit .280/.307/.480? No–no I did not. Such a player is hard to underrate, but given that people wanted to see him sent down to AAA, or incarcerated, or killed, it was happening. Please don’t make me do that again, talk radio. It hurt. Meanwhile, Jason Isringhausen’s trip to the mound was met with complete and utter indifference, which is a massive improvement over where things were a week ago. He should be getting some golf claps by mid-July.

Aaron Miles… well, the triple was great to see, but nevertheless he’s shown signs of turning back into a pumpkin, or Bo Hart, or whatever it is middle infielders turn into; since April ended he’s hit .263/.316/.314. The bump in plate discipline is still there–thank goodness, that really does appear to be the result of a concentrated effort as opposed to a fluke–but, as I guessed a while back, after a while pitchers realize that they’re not going to be burned by throwing fastballs down the middle, over and over. I think the batting average is going to come back up a little, and with his platoon split he’s still a solid guy to have on the bench, but the days of high-OBP Miles appear to be over. It was a good month.

Hey, kids! My name’s Dan(up), and in honor of today being the day ordained for old-fashioned Cardinals Crew television hijinks with Andy Benes and Fredbird, I’ve got a fun matching game for you! Match the pitcher with his pitching line on Friday. And when you’re done, get your friends together, along with several other computers, each with its own discrete IP address–ask your parents–and have a click-the-funvertisements party! Right here on this very page!

Jason "Pick up your mat and BB" Marquis  6 IP, 4 ER, 3 K, 2 HR

Anthony "Part-time Deity" Reyes          6 IP, 0 ER, 10 K, 1 BB

Chris "First Round?" Lambert             8 IP, 1 ER, 3 K, 2 BB

Trey "Trey Hearne?" Hearne               7 IP, 0 ER, 2 H, 8:2 K:BB

Did you arrange the pitchers, top to bottom, Reyes, Hearne, Marquis, and Lambert? If you did, congratulations! You inexplicably got it right!

Now, Lambert is sort of understandable; he’s been slowly putting it together over the last month, and at the risk of jinxing him he appears to have finally uncovered whatever dark secret is required to retire hitters in the high minors. It’s nice of him to be a team player by upping his trade value like that.

Trey Hearne… well, he’s making me feel pretty stupid about not including him in my minor league roundup when I circled past Quad Cities, if nothing else. I would be remiss, in describing him, if I didn’t mention DCGreg, who started his one man bandwagon for the guy last week; he’d better make room, because he’s going to get a lot of hitchhikers following yesterday’s start. Hearne’s 22, which is at the very edge of a normal low-A age, but the kind of dominance he’s showing demands to be noticed. He’s not as far along in the farm system, but as a late-rounder who began as a swingman in the minors and forced his way into a starting role, he reminds me of GUB’s very own superhero, WonderBrad Thompson.

And Reyes–well, it’s not like he and Marquis traded pitching lines, because he didn’t walk anybody; he just got knocked around. Of course, Reyes getting knocked around and the members of our current rotation getting knocked around–well, it’s all about relative knocking-around.

Marquis–what can you say about Marquis? The guy’s whiplash, let’s-see-how-hard-I-can-do-this swing is the only way you can tell he’s the same guy between starts, so it’s a good thing he usually manages to get an at-bat in. Today was Confident Marquis, as seen after the Washington shutout last year. He threw strikes, he changed speeds, and he challenged a mediocre team to beat him in the strikezone and they couldn’t, aside from a Brad Hawpe homer that skipped over the wall in the shortest part of the field. That he has the stuff to do that, as opposed to Ponson, Suppan, and the present iteration of Mulder, is probably why he’s still around. If Dave Duncan can fix his head and his mechanics–not sure how the blame should be portioned out between those two components–and get him to put together a run like he did last year, he’ll prove why he’s still around. Besides the amazing mullet he sometimes chooses to sport.

Well, kids, that’s all for today–be sure to watch Cardinals Crew next week, when Timo Perez will share his “Big League Tip”–how to make hometown fans angry at you for doubling in a run! See you then!